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make money fast
"Make money fast!" is the title of an email spam that has persisted on the Internet since at least 1988. In that year, a person named David Rhodes (or "Dave Rhodes," which he used as his Internet name) forwarded an email chain letter entitled "Make Money Fast!" to various Internet users. The chain mail scheme continued, passed from person to person, though it wasn't until spamming became a major problem online (beginning in early-to-mid 1994) that the circularity of "Make money fast" exploded. Up until that point, "Make money fast" was considered to be primarily a nuisance. (It was also, and continues to be, grounds for a person to lose his or her Internet account, because chain letter schemes are illegal in many jurisdictions.)

The text of "make money fast" originally claimed to be "perfectly legal." It encouraged readers of the email to forward one dollar to a list of people provided in the text, and to add their own name and address to the bottom of the list. Using the theory behind pyramid schemes, the resulting chain of money flowing back and forth would supposedly deliver a reward of thousands of dollars to the ones participating in the chain, as copies of their chain spread and more and more people sent one dollar to their address.

In fact, the idea of a money-forwarding email letter turned out to be worthless. When the popularity of the Internet exploded in the mid-1990s (and spam became a serious problem), literally millions of copies of "Make money fast" were forwarded to unsuspecting Internet users by thousands of different persons. It became one of the most annoying and persistent spams in existence. It was soon decided by anti-spam activists and Internet service providers alike that "Make money fast" was worthy of being deleted immediately upon being spotted, and users forwarding the chain letter would swiftly have their accounts terminated.

Nevertheless, "Make money fast" continues to plague Internet users to the present day.

Variations on "Make money fast" have evolved, usually by spammers who change the subject of their email to "This really works!," "Try it, it works!," or "You are a winner!"

MMF parodies

The chain letters all follow a rigidly predefined format or template with only minor variations (such as claiming to be from an retired lawyer or claiming to be selling "reports" in order to attempt to make the scheme appear lawful). Very quickly they become repetitive, causing them to be bait for widespread satire or parody.

In some cases, the parodies have been mistaken as being real (and the original posters mailbombed or reported for net.abuse) by readers who stop at the words "My name is Dave Rhodes..." (or Pave Roades) and read no further.

They then react without noticing the various other telltale parody clues such as "Dear Fiend, My name is Slave Rhodes. In September 1988 my karma was reposessed and the dog pound was hounding me like you wouldn't believe. I was sacked for incompetence and drug abuse and my reality check had bounced. The only escape I had from the pressure of idiotic failure was my computer and my modem..."

One claiming to be the first such chain letter claims that palaentologists recently deciphered the following, painted on a cave wall on the slopes of Kilimanjaro: "MAKE SPIKY CLUBS FAST!!! Hello, not-tribe-member. Urk name Urk. Many moons ago, Urk in bad way. Urk kicked out of cave by Thag. Thag bigger than Urk, Thag take Urk spiky club, Urka (Urk wo-man). Urk not able kill deer, must eat leaves, berries. Urk flee from wolves. Today, Urk big chief. Urk have best cave, many wives, many spiky clubs. Urk tell how. WHAT DO: make one spiky club and take to cave places below. Add own cave place to bottom of list, take cave place off top. Put new message on walls many caves. Wait. Many clubs soon come! This not crime! Urk ask shaman, gods say okay..."

Most parodies, like the original, closely follow the same textual structure:

The hard-luck and rags-to-riches story

Almost universally, these will begin by claiming to have been poor and to have received a large quantity of some item of value.

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Originally the poster claimed to have received money ($50000 according to the original Dave Rhodes spam), but parodies often change this to obtaining something, anything else for basically nothing, for instance:

- Make Monkeys Fast substitutes silverbacks for greenbacks, claiming " In September 1998 the bank foreclosed on my zoo's primate house and the bill collectors were hounding me like a pack of angry gorillas. The only escape I had from the pressures of failure and the two dozen assorted hungry primates in my house was my computer and my modem. In January 1999 my family and I went on a ten day trip to Madagascar, studying lemurs. I bought a brand new Lincoln Navigator with CASH in February 1999, just to shuttle the chimps around. I am currently building a new home on the west coast of Florida, with a private monkey house..."

- Make Beer Fast claims "My name is Dave Rhodes. In September 1988 my refrigerator was empty and I was god-awful thirsty. But the only thing I had to quench my thirst was a half-empty can of Meister Brau... This January 1989 my family and I went on a ten-day drinking spree. I bought a Lincoln Town Car and paid with 1200 cases of Guinness. I am currently building a home on the West Coast of Florida, with a private pool (filled with beer), boat slip, and a beautiful view of the bay from my breakfast room table and patio, all out of emptied beer bottles. I will never have to go to the liquor store again..."

- In one one-time offer "A genie appeared. He told me he had come to make me an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ONE TIME OFFER! All I had to do was piss people off and for every person who started to hate me a nickel would fall out of my arse" (and presumably, for every person *they* annoy, you get a penny)

- Other variants offer to make cloves fast or make LSD fast.

Some also satirise the rags-to-riches stories by blatant exaggeration, like:

- My name is Rave Dhodes "Until a week ago, I was living on the beach in a shack made entirely from Postum jars, some of which were still half-full of product, which had rotted...the only food I could find for my family to eat was the maggots we picked daily from our open sores--and the winter was coming, which as you may know is a lean time, maggot-wise..."

- "Dear Potential Mark, My name is Lenny Luser. Two years ago, the corporation I worked at for the past twelve years down-sized and my position was eliminated. Since the company was doing pretty well at the time, I think that perhaps my dismissal had something to do with me showing up on the job drunk a few too many times. After unproductive job interviews, I figured human resources people just didn't like to hire someone with a purple mohawk, a criminal record, and a Mötley Crüe tattoo on the forehead. "

or, taken to the opposite extreme:
- My name is Mr. Slambook. "The only escape I had from the pressure of failure was my computer, my modem, a bottle of vodka and Oprah. I longed to turn my advocation into my vocation. This January 1994 my family and I went on a weekend sojourn to Coney Island. I bought a Yugo for CASH in February 1994. I am currently building a tree house on the West Coast of Queens, with an above ground pool, a dog house, and a beautiful view of the driveway from my breakfast room table and patio. I will never have to work again. Today I am rich! I have earned over $400.00 (F-O-R-E H-U-N-D-R-E-D D-O-L-L-E-R-S) to date and will become stinking rich within 4 or 5 decades... I have NEVER failed to earn $5 or more whenever I wanted. "

- or "I am actually making money off it. The new twisted instructions call for the recipient to send out 200 further letters with an Australian 5c coin attached to the front page. I've received 5 letters (thanks for the 25 cents)."

or even allude to or mock the eventual fate of the original Dave Rhodes point-blank, as in:

- Get Arrested Fast "Hi, I'm Dave Rhodes, and I'm in jail. Just six months ago, I was in dire financial straits... Then, I hit upon one of the most amazing schemes for making quick money that I had ever thought of...I took out five post office boxes in different cities and made up four other names so that the first five contributions all went to me. To say the least, the response was overwhelming..."

- Make Enemies Fast "My name isn't Dave Rhodes, and I am not a retired attorney, but who cares. I invented a new scheme, which guarantees to work all the time. Use it, and you will never have to work anymore during your entire life. In fact, you will have so many enemies, that nobody ever would consider you for any job of any kind for the rest of your life. A few years ago, I had a nice job with a good income. I owned a beautiful house with a swimming pool (for birds) and hot and cold running water. Now I went bankrupt, and was kicked out of my job. Here is the scheme for archieving the same thing..."

or even:
- "Quickly take your two cents worth and send it to the top name on the list. Delete the top name and add your own to the bottom. Send the letter to as many US government sites as possible, including president@whitehouse.gov, dan.quayle@potatoe.gov and (of course) postmaster@usps.gov. By the miracle of government waste, in no time at all THOUSANDS of postal inspectors, FBI agents and bored meter maids will each be trying to offer you their two cents worth. They may not be polite, but remember that, as a criminal instead of a poor unemployed person, you now have RIGHTS. The results are simply amazing! I live in a Big House now. The government pays for all of my living expenses, which run into several TENS of THOUSANDS of dollars a year. EVERY YEAR! In fact, I'm so rich that I can afford to have a bunch of folks guarding the place around the clock. If I want a slice of bread or a cup of water, they bring it to me without my even having to lift a finger. And the nightlife here is incredible! Bars everywhere! I don't even have to pay a cent for any of it. Many would kill to live like I do now. Many *do* kill to live in a Big House like mine..."

Various claims to have unsuccesfully tried other schemes

These will usually be envelope stuffing scams (make $3 each stuffing envelopes that companies pay a few cents to have stuffed by machine, send $29.95 for info!), "send $20 for information on how to get rich quick" (the info tells you to run an ad saying "send $20 for information on how to get rich quick...") and the like. Nothing new under the sun.

Requests to send money or continue the pyramid

Some of these will parody older chain letters asking to be propagated based on superstition or vary this by adding various urban legends such as "Craig Shergold forgot to forward an e-mail titled Join the Crew and was hit with a new FCC modem tax..."

The requests of what to send also tend to be somewhat original:

- One scheme requests "Welcome to the world of borderline prostitution! This little business is a little different than most whorehouses. Your services are not given for money, but done for the oral sex you will get in return! 1. IMMEDIATELY travel to the homes of the first 5 (five) names listed below starting at number 1 through number 5. When you arrive, simply give them oral sex. 2. REMOVE the name that appears number 1 on the list. Place your name, address and zip code in the number 10 position..."

- Sock It to Me asks "Take all your unmatched socks, place them in a sturdy envelope and mail them to the participant named as the top of the list. Do not break this chain! You've heard of athlete's foot but you've never experienced Professional Athlete's Foot!"

- one variant Make Penis Fast asks the reader to send a certain anatomy part, usually in pieces (ouch!), claiming "you are now in the business of extending penii..."

- or even "bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 16,377 men - and one of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than the one you already have. DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN. HAVE FAITH! One woman broke the chain and got her own sonovabitch back. At the time of writing this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men. They buried her yesterday but it took three undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face and two days to get her legs together so that they could close the coffin."

A dubious claim that this is lawful

While the original scams refer to "postal lottery" laws, a "retired lawyer" or selling "reports" and "lists", the parodies are usually a little less subtle:

- One would-be Ponzi claim "By the time you have read the enclosed information and looked over the enclosed program and reports, you should have concluded that such a program, and one that is legal (ahem), could not have been created by an amateur. As a matter of fact, it was created by a PROFESSIONAL con man (no amateur there), and if you think this is legal, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you. A man named Charles Ponzi cooked up this little baby, decades ago. He sucked up lots of money by bilking the citizens of Boston with his "pyramid" scheme, and when it collapsed (as they always do) lots of people discovered that they basically had flushed their money down the toilet, and Charles Ponzi ended up getting deported -- again. More recently, Albania's economy and civil order collapsed because their leaders concocted a similar scheme, squirreled all the money away overseas, and got out just before the citizens who they had defrauded and impoverished could string them up on light poles like they deserved."

The list of names or addresses

This may claim that originators always place their own names at every list position, for instance:
- dave.rhodes@make.money.fast
- dave.rhodes@whered.my.net.access.go
- dave.rhodes@this.site.toasted.me.too
- dave.rhodes@send.me.money
- dave.rhodes@goodbye.no.carrier
- dave.rhodes@jail.gov

Another variant is to use fictititious or joke names like:
- Bob Edam, 125 Velveeta Lane, Fondue Lake, Wisconsin 53409
- Robert Emmental, 127 Velveeta Lane, Fondue Lake, Wisconsin 53409
- Rob Caithness, 129 Velveeta Lane, Fondue Lake, Wisconsin 53409
- D. Wensleydale, 131 Velveeta Lane, Fondue Lake, Wisconsin 53409
- Ralph Cheddar, 133 Velveeta Lane, Fondue Lake, Wisconsin 53409
- Frank O. American, 135 Velveeta Lane, Fondue Lake, Wisconsin 53409

or: "Quick, write down these names, and replace the top name with your own.
- Sir 617-555-5555
- Joy 231-122-7451
- Cindy 391-342-6422
- Matt 324-634-7345
- Joe 234-546-2344
:Then call all of these numbers. Collect."

Alleged testimonials

The testimonials are usually as offbeat as the original schemes, for instance:

- MMF hall of horror - Maximize Your Dough - "Yes, you too can be as rich as I am today! Why, just send one granule of flour and one drop of water (and maybe a little sugar, if you're feeling nasty) to each of the 5 people listed below, and in just a few short weeks, you'll be up to your knees in Dough! Can you imagine what 50,000 granules of flour and drops of water looks like on my kitchen table? Well, I can -- AND IT'S A BIG FREAKIN MESS!"

==Dave Rhodes's fate==

Dave Rhodes himself served a ten-year sentence in federal prison as a result of "Make money fast." As a condition of his parole, he wrote his own Web site denouncing "Make Money Fast".

Possible variations of this topic:

make fast